Resilience is an interesting concept, and one we tend to view as a positive. It carries connotations of being able to push through a problem, survive an injustice, or just get things done.

I’ve been described as resilient many times in my life; yet underneath that outward veneer there was a mess underneath. My goal was always to somehow rebalance the system; when the storm raged inside my goal was always to figure out a way to calm it. Unfortunately, that wasn’t doing me any good. I was treating a symptom and ignoring the fact that there was a great deal of change needed to fix the underlying problem.

My epiphany moment came at, of all places, the Kent State stadium. Sheryl Crow was performing, and my sister was able to get tickets. One of the opening acts was O.A.R. (Of A Revolution) a band I knew primarily by reputation, but their performance that evening was great. The musicianship was solid, but the lyrics really hit me. Especially this song.

This was the first time I had admitted to myself that I couldn’t keep on with the way things were. The resiliency that was always presented as a positive was crushing me. Each time something happen, each time something broke, I was able to patch it up and move on. That wasn’t hard to admit, but the next part was. Namely, I could keep doing this but at some point I was going to shatter, and the thought of what that may look like scared me.

Realization is one thing, but actually making a change is orders of magnitude harder. The road to that was long and full of a great deal of pain for myself and for those close to me. When you’re used to metaphorically “turning the car around” it is difficult to keep driving.

Yet, this was the only way to heal. I needed to stop chasing after a life that I was never going to be able to have with the people and relationships that were in mine.

Sometimes being a fixer doesn’t work, and sometimes you have to take the loss and move on.

Shattered

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I shatter
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around